One Day…

Depression Redefined.

Sometimes, you just cannot define Depression. It is almost impossible to redefine it. Still, I am making an effort to define my pains of depression along with understanding other’s pains as well.

An extremely talented artist is the greatest loss we have had in 2020. How much was he suffering? And why was he suffering? He had no one to talk to? Literally no one…!!!

How pathetic is that. But then I think, somewhere or the other, all the depressed bodies and souls are the same. We all have everyone around us, but no one to talk to. We have literally no one to talk to.

Depression is not a mental problem. It is not even a problem. It is just a condition which comes under certain inevitable circumstances. I have a piece in me, somewhere inside me. Which I am not able to gulp down, neither am I able to spit it out. It is stuck in my throat. In such a circumstance, people say that I am under depression. But it not depression that harms me. Its that piece which is causing problems.

I underwent all possible and probable treatments. But that piece is not coming out. That piece is not letting me sleep, it is keeping me awake. People say I’m a blessed soul. But if this is what blessed souls go through, then please make me normal. Make me a normal soul. I don’t want to be blessed. I just want to be normal.

Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and what not. I have it all. The only thing which is helping me right now, is my medicines and my alcohol.

But I don’t want them to dominate me. I want to get out of it. Blessed souls aren’t supposed to be dependent on toxins.

But what if these toxins are actually keeping me alive? If yes, then may be these toxins will help me get that stuck piece out of my throat. Who knows?

Whatever is the way, I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I want to be what I used to be 8 years back. I want to smile; I want to be able to laugh at jokes again. I want to sleep and wake up with my mother besides me. I just want to sleep.

May be there will be a night when I’ll say – Goodbye. That day will free me from that piece. I’ll spit it out and shout from the sky… I’ll float in the clouds. I will be where I belong – to the one who made me a blessed soul.

But until that day comes, I am going to be strong as anything. I’ll be as hard as a rock. I will not let my soul slip away from my body. I don’t know how will I do that. But I will continue fighting – fighting with myself. I will keep drinking until that piece is shat out. I will keep taking help from my Dr, but I will not lose.

I will not be the one who makes her family cry when they wake up happily one morning. I will not make people think that this is the last time maybe I’m meeting her.

I will fight. I will be strong. I will make those 8 years a waste. So what? People waste so many years in so many things… so will I waste. I will forgive myself for those 8 years. I will remake and reshape myself.

Until the day, when I will float among the clouds and stars. I will ride a bicycle in the sky. The rainbow will be my hairband and stars will be my hair-pins. I will glow like I used to 8 years back. I will soak in goodness. I will glitter, shine and live again.

I will die to be born again afresh. My life will start afresh.

But until that day comes, I’m going to fight…!!! That’s a promise. I will fight until it is not worth fighting anymore. When I go, I’ll leave my pains behind, but not on my family. I will take it all along with me…

One day………….!


My Black-Hooded Partner.

P.C. – Google.

My Dear Eleanor Craine.

Eleanor Craine is a fictional character from a Netflix series – Haunting of the Hill House. I recently watched this series, didn’t yet complete it, but I don’t know why I feel a kind of connection with her already. The same kind of connection I had with Nairobi from Money Heist.

Eleanor was, as a kid, quite reserved and cute and had imaginary appearance of a character named – The bent-neck Lady in the series. The character was terrifying and gruesome. As Eleanor grew up, she had faded memories of this ‘bent-neck lady’ in her sleep and got into sleep paralysis. But eventually, she mostly came out of all this when she got married with a character named – Arthur Vance who was a sleep technician in the series.

The reason I am writing about her is because I kind of have a same imaginary appearance of a ‘black-hooded guy’ in my dreams. Although, over the period, he has lost the ability to put me into sleep-paralysis, but he still visits. Every night, he visits me in my dreams. I tried medicine to combat him, but in vain.

The bent-neck lady eventually and gradually made Eleanor psychotic and under the effect of her neurotic disorder, she commits suicide in the series.

It has an uncanny resemblance to another character named – Maya from a book by Anita Desai, ‘The Crying Peacock’, wherein, whenever Maya hears a peacock cry, she feels psychotic and does weird things.

As in similar case with me, ‘the black-hooded guy’ in my dreams somewhat makes me do things which fall under the category – Suicidal. He makes me dig my own grave, he makes me poke my neck with a pen, he touches me and he gets angry when my husband and I come close. I must fear him. I must do as he says. Or, at least, I should let him do what he does.

But, I don’t. I don’t know why, but I’m not scared of him. I let him come in my dreams, make me wild, make me hit myself in my sleep, but I never fight him.

Why don’t I just kill him? I know he can easily go if I resist him, but I don’t.

Maybe because he’s a partner of my dreams. Good or bad, whatever, but he is the virtual reality of my life.

I can never resist him. I can never let him go.

That’s how it was, that’s how it is and that’s how it will be…!!!